Tuesday, February 18, 2014

SnowFlakes & FanFiction

Snow. Snow. Snow. Ugh. You would think living in New England, I would be used to the snow. Every winter, we get it. And every winter I bitch about it. I hate it. I wish it was summer here all year around. Usually I can deal but recently it has legit been snowing like almost every three days. Like seriously! Can't I catch a break. The only positive aspect of the snow is that it is helping me get over my anxiety of driving in crappy weather. Talk about grabbing the bull by the horns. Its not like I have a choice. I have to drive to work and class. It sucks. I'm at the point now were at least my knuckles aren't white from gripping the steering wheel so tight.

So class got out early today because of the snow. Yay, early release day. Boo to campus shutting down and everyone making a mad dash to the parking lot and causing mad traffic.

So since I can't read anything without becoming obsessed, I was talked into trying my hand at my first ever fan fiction. So if you actually read my blog. Which I doubt any one does. You would have read, how I am now addicted to this new series by CL Stone called The Academy. If your interested in reading the series I recommend you DO NOT read my fan fiction. It doesn't give a lot away but I do not want to be blamed for giving away spoilers or anything.



okay... so here's my fan fiction. Mind you I wrote this after I read the first five books. Also be nice, as its my first attempt at ever writing fan fiction. Feedback is much appreciated. Also its rated 18+ for mature content!

18+ Mature content below.... Not for prudes or conservative people!


Why, oh why, did I open my big mouth? I know I wanted to be included as a real member of the team, but this is torture. I can see Gabe in front of me and his bright orange ribbed tanked top is soaked with sweat and sticking to his back. I know if I had the time to stop jogging and check out my own appearance that I would cringe. I can feel sweat dripping down my back and down the back of my thighs. I have no one to blame though but myself… okay well maybe Gabe and Luke too, there such bad influences.  I can’t believe I let them talk me into playing that prank on North. I knew something would go wrong.  April fools jokes are supposed to be fun.  I didn’t think North would actually hit Luke. I mean it was really funny until North hit Luke. I guess we took the prank too far when we said we crashed his motorcycle. And maybe I shouldn’t have let Gabe put fake wounds on me with makeup. I don’t think I’ve ever seen North look so scared, and then so angry. North thought I was actually hurt, and worse he thought Luke and I wrecked his bike. I was just about to yell April Fools with North swung and socked Luke in the face. Poor Luke, at least nothing broke, but his nose was still bleeding. When Luke finally told North our prank, North and Kota were not happy. Hence the one hour.

When I opened my mouth and said I thought that I should participate in the one hour Kota gave the team, I didn’t expect it to be so hard. We’ve got to be at almost three miles. We’ve been running the trails behind Kota’s house for at least thirty minutes probably more. I wonder if this is the pace they normally run at or if they’re slowing it down for me. I can hear Victor running behind me and he’s breathing pretty heavily, that makes me think that this is their normal pace. I haven’t opened my mouth once to complain. Even if I wanted to, I don’t know if I could because of how heavy I’m breathing. Gabe seems to be having as much difficulty as me, but we’re all keeping up and not once had anyone fallen behind.
Kota takes the path that veers left and I assume he’s going back to his yard. Thank God.
I keep moving one foot in front of the other until the woods fades away and Kota’s house comes into view. I am desperately hoping for a water break, but I don’t think Kota the drill sergeant is going to allow this.  Whatever it takes. I keep telling myself I would do whatever it takes to get them to trust me like I trust them. If I have to do an hour with them, I can do it. I will do it.
The guys line up in the grass like they’ve done this a thousand times. Its Kota followed by North, Nathan, Silas, Luke, Gabe, myself, then Victor.  I probably should have been at the end, but Victor insisted I go in front of him.  “Just copy us Princess” Victor whispers next to me. I see the guys all sit down in a line so I do too. I really like the work out gear Victor bought me from Victoria’s Secret when we went shopping with Gabe. Even though it’s soaked with sweat, it still breathes.

The guys all lie down on their backs, bend their knees, and lift their feet off the ground, crossing one ankle over the other. Crunches formation. Great. I mean I know the guys all have gorgeous stomachs but I guess I never thought of all the work it must take to keep them looking that good. Just thinking about their bodies makes me hotter than I already am. “One, Two, Three, Four”! Crap, I zoned out. I join in on five and start doing crunches with the guys.  When we get to fifty my stomach is on fire. I know North said I didn’t have to do this, and that I could stop at any time if I got tired, but I feel like if I quit that I would somehow be failing.  I grit my teeth and breathe out harder as I count out loud to 75. Now my muscles in my stomach are shaking and I don’t physically know if I can keep up. How many is Kota going to make us do? I wish I asked what the one hour entailed ahead of time. Whatever it takes. I told myself I would gain their trust no matter what it took. I push myself to keep going, although I’m struggling too much to count out loud. I sneak a glance over and notice Gabe looks like he’s having a hard time counting as well, which makes me feel a little better. Maybe I’m not that weak.
Finally I hear the guys count out 100 and they stop.  I see Victor stand up so I follow suit. I honestly don’t know how much more of this I can take. And it’s so quite. The only thing anyone has said since we started the hour has been counting out numbers. Would I get in trouble if I tried talking? Hmm I wonder. I’m not about to try and fail though.
“One, Two, Three”! Jumping jacks. Anything is better than crunches, at this point my abs hate me right now. I start doing jumping jacks with the guys. I don’t bother to try to count out loud, at this point I just focus on breathing.  When we get to 50 the guys stop. I quickly wipe the sweat from my forehead before it drips in my eyes. Thank God, I listened to Luke when he told me to tie my hair up high in a ponytail.
The guys go to the ground. Push up formation. Oh no. I practically fall to the ground. Whatever it takes.  “One, Two, Three”. Oh man, my arms are shaking and we’re only at ten. There is no way I can make it to 50 or 100 or however many Kota is going to make us do. We get to 20, and I have to push with everything I have to get up. I’m about to go back down but I see the guys stand up. YES! I couldn’t have done another push up. I thought I was in decent shape, but I just don’t have the arm muscles the guys have. I feel like we have been working out for two hours. It has to be almost an hour. Every muscle and bone in my bone is on fire. I hear “One, Two” and I want to cry, but I hold it in. Whatever it takes. I start doing squats with the guys.
At this point I am just going through the motions and thinking about everything I love about these guys. Happy thoughts to help me power through this. I don’t even know how many squats I’ve done. I’m thinking about Victor playing the piano, Kota counting while he’s dancing with me, North and I looking up at the stars. I keep thinking about Gabe washing my hair, and Silas and I cheering on the Red Sox. I’m thinking about how it feels when I sleep in Nathan’s arms and about how happy Luke made me when he brought me on a mission.  Whatever it takes. I will do whatever I have to. I snap back to reality right when I hear the guys say 100. They all stop, so I do too. Everyone starts walking towards Kota. Gabe, practically falls onto the ground and I quickly follow him because it hurts to much to stand. All the other guys sit down as well. We form a circle.
I have never felt so exhausted in my life.  The guys are all sitting indian style, but I just can’t. I lay down on my back and stare up at the sky while taking deep breaths.
“Princess, are you okay?”
“Oy Trouble, I forgot you were with us, why didn’t you stop?”
I’m breathing really hard but I try to answer them… “I’m…(deep breath)…fine. Didn’t…(deep breath)…wanna quit”  I know Victor and Gabe are right there but I’m too weak to move and look at them.  I shut my eyes for a minute and when I open them I see Nathan and Kota standing over me.
“Peanut, you shouldn’t have done the whole work out, you’re going to be so sore”
“Sang, if you’re sore later, I’ll take care of it. Okay?”
I see Kota’s cheeks tint red, and I want to ask what he means, but I’m just too tired right now so I just nod my head.
I manage to sit back up, I don’t want the guys to baby me after I made it through the work out. I can’t believe I got through the hour with them. I feel like I am a little closer to being part of the team. I see North and Silas come out of Kota’s house with waters. I didn’t even realize they were gone.
North comes over and gives me a water bottle.
“Sang Baby, are you okay?”
I twist the cap off the water and roll my eyes.
“Yes North, I’m just tired but I’m fine. I told you guys I can do stuff”.
Luke comes over and raises his hand for a high five. I slap his hand back and smile. I see Silas wink at me and then he says
“Aggele mou, you did great, I’m impressed you stuck it out the whole hour, you’re my tough little cookie”
Kota snaps everyone back to attention “Okay guys, does every one understand why we had that hour?”
There’s a round of grunts and groans and a unified yes. “Okay then, you all know what your jobs are for the day, get to it, and check in throughout the day” Kota says.
The guys all get up. I try to stand and my legs protest, but I somehow manage to stand on my feet and hug the boy’s goodbye. When I finish I’m left with just Nathan and Kota.
“Well, what’s my job today?” I ask Kota
“Sang, you can barely stand, why don’t we just go relax and cool off in Nathan’s pool. Sound good?” Kota ask.
That does sound amazing. Cold water to wash away all this sweat sounds like heaven. I smile and just simply nod my head yes, in answer because I just feel so weak. Nathan smiles at me and wraps his arm around my shoulder.
“Come on Peanut, I think I even have some lounge floats in the shed that you can just float around on and relax”. 
The three of us arrive at Nathans house and change into our swim suits. When I come out of the bathroom Nathan and Kota are already out back by the pool pulling floats out of the storage closet in the shed. Nathan comes out of the shed with a blue mat float for him and he hands me a black mat float. Kota follows him with a green mat float. I figure each of the guys must have their own float, and I must be using North’s.
The three of us spend the next two hours rehydrating and just floating around the pool.
I make us some sandwiches for lunch and after that I feel like I have some energy back. We go back in the pool and I think I fall asleep for a little while because when I wake up on the float the sun has moved in the sky. I look around and see the Kota is out of the pool reading. Nathan is still in the pool on his float it looks like he fell asleep like me.  I try my best to silently slip off my float. Kota notices me awake and I put my finger up to my lips so he knows to keep quite. He arches an eyebrow in response, but doesn’t say anything out loud. I tip toe my way across the pool towards Nathan. I sneak a glance at Kota and I see him smirking. I get over to Nathan and he’s still asleep. I quietly go underwater and swim under his float. I’m only going to get one chance to do this so I want to do it right. I place my hand on his float and push to tip it with all my might. Nathan goes over the side of the mat and splashed into the water and goes under. I come up for air at the same time as Nathan. I can’t help but giggle at the shocked look on his face.
“Peanut, I can’t believe you just did that. My little mermaid is going to pay. You know you shouldn’t start things you can’t finish”. I squeak and try to swim away but I’m not fast enough. Nathan grabs me around the waist and throws me across the pool. I hit the water and go under. I come up laughing and can’t help but smile.
“Kota come back in and help me” I yell while trying to get away from Nathan. Kota jumps up and does a shallow dive into the pool he comes up in between me and Nathan. I peak over Kota’s shoulder and smile big at Nathan.  “Peanut, if you think Kota can save you, you got another thing coming” Nathan snickers. Nathan tries to dive around Kota but Kota matches his movements. It’s like watching two animals circle each other. Nathan’s big and strong like a lion while Kota’s sleek and quick like a cheetah.  It’s beautiful to watch. I can’t help but laugh. I move when they move so I can stay behind Kota and away from Nathan.  Nathan dives right at Kota, which surprises me and Kota both. Kota goes over Nathan’s shoulder and then he gets tossed across the pool. Next thing I know Nathan’s flying at me. I back up until I hit the pool wall.
 Nathan comes up and places one arm on each side of my head, framing me against the pool. “Peanut.” “Honey.” I whisper. “Did you think you could flip my float and get away with it?” “Yea” I whisper. I reach up with my hand and put my fingers to my mouth. Nathan instantly grabs my fingers and puts them in his mouth. “Stop that, you know I hate when you do that, peanut” “Sorry honey” I say.  All of a sudden I feel a hand on my foot. Kota pops up in between me and Nathan and spits water at Nathan’s face and laughs. The sound of his laughter is contagious and his smile is gorgeous, I can’t help but giggle along with him.
 Nathan just rolls his eyes at us, but he has a big smile on his face. I don’t know how I got so lucky. These guys are all incredible and constantly give me reasons to smile. Kota speaks up “So Sang, how about a race? You think you can beat us?” he ask. “Let’s go” I reply.  We line up at the wall. “One, Two” I push off on two. Kota and Nathan are fast there’s no way I’ll win unless I cheat. I shoot into the water and do the stroke that Nathan taught me the first time we went swimming. Next thing I know I see both boys coming up on my sides. They both grab me and try to fling me backwards. I start flying backwards, but I realize the knot in the top of my swim suit has come undone. It must have gotten loose with all the horsing around we did. The backwards momentum is enough to make my top come completely off.
It happens in an instant and I’m too slow to stop it. I see Nathan and Kota’s eyes widen. I know they’ve noticed because they both freeze in their spots. I come up for air, but then dash back into the water and make it to the other side of the pool first. I look back and Kota and Nathan are still frozen in place. Nathan is twirling my bikini top around his index finger with a smirk on his face. “Peanut, what are you going to do now, you can’t get out of the pool without us seeing. See what happens when you cheat”. I look at Kota and his cheeks are tinted red but his eyes are lite with hunger. I get a great idea. “Well I won, so I could just ask for it back and you’d have to give it to me” But I decide I feel brave. “But I don’t want it back. Because I won, I want both of your swim trunk bottoms. We’re going to skinny dip” I announce. I can feel my cheeks go red, but I ignore it. We’re in the pool, and all high school kid’s skinny dip at least once in their life right? I mean I’ve read that in books so I’m pretty sure it’s like a rite of passage.
Both Kota and Nathans eyes widen. I can tell I surprised them. Kota reaches down and pulls off his swim trunks then throws them out of the pool. My jaw drops. I am shocked. I thought he’d at least argue or make a joke. Nathan looks at Kota like he lost his mind. “What, are you scared Nathan, or do you think Danielle is going to show up and tell people your gay again?” Kota says while laughing.  Nathan puffs out his chest and takes his swim trunks off then throws them next to Kota’s. They both turn and look at me. I turn scarlet. I reach down and pull at my bathing suit bottoms. I slide them off and throw them out of the pool. I can see their emotions play out on their faces. First shock, then lust. They are both looking at me with such love and adoration. They both start to swim over to me. Kota is on my left, Nathan is on my right. Kota comes up and puts his forehead against mine. He starts to nuzzle me with his nose and my insides turn to fire. I feel Nathan pick up my hand and put my fingers in his mouth. This sends a spark into my core. The sensations are just too much. I let out a small moan. All of a sudden we hear a throat being cleared. All three of us freeze…
To be continued… 

So that's it. If you liked it let me know and you should def. check out CL's books!

Monday, February 17, 2014

I'll take nine over one any day ;)

I have a new addiction.
I have a bunch of books I've read that I should probably list, but all I really care about right now is my new obsession. It's actually kind of sad. I read through the series twice, I joined an online forum group to discuss it, and I have read all the spoilers and cheat sheets out there and I still NEED more!

The Academy series by CL Stone is my new favorite series.

Okay so there's nine drool worthy guys. (that one line right there makes it totally worth the read)
Anyways, The main character is a girl name Sang. She's 16 and just moved into a new house. She meets her neighbor Kota and they become friends. The problem is Sangs mom is kind of pycho and thinks the world is out to get her.  Sang's mom doesn't allow her to be normal. Sang ends up meeting Kota's other friends and they all instantly get along.

I don't really want to say anymore because I don't want to give anything away. But the books are So so so so SO so good. I love them.

Far warning, if your uptight and conservative you won't like these books.

Right now the books are pg-13 ish but CL (the author) states that as the series progresses they will eventually be for mature audiences. So fair warning people!

Its one of those series where you yell at your kindle while your reading it... you find yourself holding your breath or blushing. It's very captivating and constantly keeps you on your toes. It makes you route for something. You fall in love with all of the characters so quickly. Its easy to read and follow as while. And the story line is an intricate web. It's constantly surprising you. The anticipation that CL builds is unlike anything else. I love it

So that's my new thing.

I am also super pumped that many of my shows are finally coming back. Walking dead is back on... Thank God. Grey's comes back soon. Vampire Diaries started up again. I really needed my Damon fix. *sigh* He's gorgeous. Also in a month or so Game of Thrones is back...yay... Survivor starts again soon as well. I was getting really bored without all of my silly reality TV.

School is also kicking my ass. I am taking six classes and in my free time I just keep re-reading the academy or reading the fan fiction people have posted for the academy. I've never written fan fiction but I might give it a try. Anyways six classes basically means no life. Although my bestest friend and I are going to the spa for the first time this friday. We are getting massages and mani-pedi's. I am so excited. I have never been and I feel real fancy. It's like in the movies. I cannot wait. I almost feel like I am being punked, because I don't get to do nice things like that.

So I've read a number of books since my last post.
1. London Fairy Tale series by Rachel Van dyken
2. Just remember to Breath by Charles Sheehan
3. Reveled by You by Clarissa Wild
4. The Mccarthy Series by Marie Force (I've read the first 6 books)
5. Resurrection by Laury Falter (LOVE This series)
6. A Neighbor from Hell Series by R. L. Mathewson (Also LOVE these)
7. Slammed Series by Colleen Hoover
8. Rome by Jay Crownover (MARKED MEN ... YES)
9.Iron fae series by Julie Kagawa (Original, LOVED it)
10. Dear Sir I'm Yours by Joley Sue Burkhart
11. Torn from you and With you by Nashoda Rose (Wicked good)
12. Gentleman's Privilege by Meg Silver (risque)
13. Tangled Beauty by K.L. Middleton
14. The Guard by Kiera Cass (Love this series)
15. Kaleidoscope by Kristen Ashley (LOVE anything by this author)
16. Rebel Spring by Morgan Rhodes
17. Sea Side series by Rachel Van Dyken (LOOOOOOOOOVE these boys)
18. Ignite by R.J. Lewis (Great story)
19. The Ex Games by J. S. Cooper
20. The Academy Series by CL Stone

I have also bought some books that I have yet to read..
The burn by Annie Oldham
Sugar Kisses by Addison Moore
Entropy by Addison Moore
Fallen Crest High by Tijan
Stalk Me by Jillian Dodd
Prince of Wolves by Quinn Loftis
Come as You Are by Theresa Weir
So those books are on the to-read list!

Okay so I'm going to go be real cool and chat in the Academy forum! Laterrrrrrr.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Dance in your underwear

Well today I had class. I am currently taking two courses on campus and four online. YES. Six classes in total. Am I crazy? Um yes I think I just might be. Anyways. One of my on campus classes is Latin Dance. I needed to take an art class. And I cannot draw or paint or sketch for shit. Thus the dance class. Its actually kind of fun though. On the downside, it made my realize how out of shape I am. I have to stretch and I am not as bendy as I used to be. Also you have to deal with dancing with everyone in the class. This includes the people who smell and who have sweaty hands. Other than that learning the salsa and all the other Latin dances is actually fun.

Taking this dance class makes me want to get into shape or to at the very least take more dance classes. I would love to learn to line dance or to take a zumba class. The only thing that sucks, is I feel like there's nothing close to where I live, and sometimes I'm to lazy to drive somewhere to work out. I would love to have an elliptical machine at my house. I think when yard sale season starts up again, I'll go on the hunt.

But since I started this semester with a nutrition course which means eating better and a dance class which means more exercise, it makes me want to be healthier. Maybe I can buy a work out video. Any one have one they recommend? I especially like stuff that involves dancing.

I am also pissed that its still "winter break" for most of my television shows. It makes me very bored. But alas, I should get back to homework anyways. So goodnight. 

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Wanderlust Myself.

Wanderlust. That basically describe how I've felt since I was 13. It basically describes what I would like to do for my career. Now, some of you are repeating the word Wanderlust over and over in your head, and saying what the hell does that mean. Well let me break it down for you so you can stop questioning yourself. Wanderlust is a strong desire for or impulse to wander or travel and explore the world, to discover one's existence. Sounds great doesn't it. Wanderlust. Even the word itself just leaves me feeling hopeful and giddy.

Now I am your average twenty something trying to figure out life. I ramble, I dream, I read, I write. I keep going through each and every day trying to figure out life, trying to figure out myself. Who am I? What do I believe in? What do I want? Well honestly I don't really know. I feel like I change my mind on a daily bases. I feel like that's what your suppose to do though when your young. In your early twenty's and in your teens, your suppose to question everything, your suppose to make mistakes, your suppose to figure out who you are. My problem is at 17 you make one of the most important decisions that shape your future, and I'm sorry but at 17 you know nothing. Now I remember being 17, and I remember thinking I knew EVERYTHING. But boy was I wrong.

How do you decide at such an innocent age, what you want to do with the rest of your life. You have to decide if you want to go to college. Where you want to go to college. If you don't attend college do you move out? Do you live with your parents? Since your not in school what do you do for a full time job? Or my problem, what do you want to major in?

Such important decisions for such young people to make. Even at twenty three I constantly question what I want to do never mind 17. So recently people have been nagging me. You know the real "adults" aka parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, older cousins. Their all on my case. When are you going to graduate college. What do you want to be? What kind of job do you want? Whats your major again? How much longer do you have? How are you going to pay off your student loans? I try to bite my tongue and give them civil yet honest responses. But honestly all of these question started to make me question myself.

Who am I? Well I am on the verge of being twenty four. I am still taking college courses for business at the community college. At the end of this semester I have the maximum number of credits that I can transfer to a four year school. I am a waitress. I am a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter. I am a Boston sports fan. I am addicted to my kindle. I enjoy writing. I love traveling. I have an obsession with bad reality TV. My favorite color is green. I hate when people take advantage of defenseless people, like children or the disabled, or animals. I cry when I watch anything with troops returning home from overseas.  These things I know. These things have never changed. I can define myself by constants like that. But in the long range, what do I want to do for the rest of my life, I struggle.

So recently I started to think about it. I mean really think about it. Because lets face it, I'm not getting any younger and I need to make a move now. So I got to thinking. I am studying business because its a degree which you can use for a number a jobs. But I really don't enjoy it. If I had my way I would major in Writing or English or Forensics or Psychology. Those types of things are what interest me. But realistically those degrees don't translate well in the job world. There aren't that many jobs that I could get with those degrees. So Instead I thought what else do I like. Well I like to talk. I like to party. I thought of being an event planner. Or working in a hotel or a casino. These are jobs that I think would hold my interest and that I would also enjoy. But really I would love to write and travel. So I thought how could I ever find a job and do both. Is writing travel reviews a job? I looked it up and it is. Its a hard industry to break into, but it is indeed a job.

So I at least figured out that I'm going to get my degree in Business Hospitality and Tourism Management. I at least feel like I figured out another part of myself. I thought back over the year about experiences that I really matured and learned about myself as. And my trip to London and Paris was very eye opening in educational. I adored it. I don't think I have ever felt so alive. I have always wanted to visit the places we learn about in history class. Visit the places you see in the movies. Lay on those sandy beaches you see in the commercials. Ever since I was in middle school I wanted to explore. Wanderlust.

If I could get a job and travel I think I would be in love. Even if I worked on a cruise ship or at a resort. Seeing different cultures. Experiencing new things. This is what makes me happy. This is where I thrive. The only problem with this is how do I gain experience? People keep telling me to travel while your young. How? Travel cost money. I am a broke college student. I would love to travel and then write about it here int his blog, in hopes that one day someone will read it and a job will come of it. Wanderlust.

Eh so many things in the life of a twenty something just trying to figure out life. I know I didn't even mention books in this post that I've read. But I really just needed to ramble and vent about life. So thus the post above.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Reading or Writing?

This past semester has been so busy. I think I stressed myself out to the max. I think stress basically sums up my entire 2013. Whether I was dealing with illnesses or death of people close to me, or hitting the books, I was constantly in a battle last year. I feel like I spent the entire year in an emotional over drive. I think that's why I was able to read so many books. Because reading gave me an escape. It gave me a brief period of relief, because it allowed me to forget. I love that feeling of being so consumed in a book that everything around you ceases to exists. I'm one of those people who can read in a loud room and still totally zone out. I am guilty of bringing my kindle to the dinner table and people having a full conversation with me without me even noticing. Reading is my addiction, but I don't care because it keeps me sane.

I honestly don't even know how many books I've read since I last posted. I've finished entire series. I'm basically just going to list what I can:
1. The Velesi Trilogy by L Fillon
2. The Mortal Instrument Series by Cassandra Clare
3. Blackwater by Tara Brown
4. The Battle of the Labyrinth by Rick Riordan
5. What Happened to Goodbye by Sarah Dessen
6. Lock and Key by Sarah Dessen
7. Vampire Academy Series by Richelle Mead
8. Along for the Ride by Sarah Dessen
9. Untamed Hearts by Melody Grace
10.Unafraid by Melody Grace
11. Someone Like You by Sarah Dessen
12. Haven by Laury Falter
13.Guardian Trilogy by Laury Falter
14. Residue Series by Laury Falter
15. 3AM Kisses by Addison Moore
16. Three for me? by R G Alexander
17. PODS by  Michelle Pickett
18. RULE by Jay Crownover
19. The Daly Way Series by Brynn Paulin
20. Colorado Mountain Man series by Kristen Ashley
21. Love Slave for Two y Tymber Dalton
22. Alice in Zombieland by Gena Showalter
23. Fantasy Heights Series by Meg Silver
24. Sometimes Never by Cheryl Mcintyre
25. Through the Zombie Glass by Gena Showalter
26. The Watchers series by Veronica Wolff
27. Fire Spirits series by Samatha Young
28. Unleashed by Cherrie Lynn
29. The Selected Series by Rebecca Hope
30. JET by Jay Crownover
31. Desire series by Kailin Gow
32. The Bet by Rachel Van Dyken
33. A Seaside Novel Series by Rachel Van Dyken
34. Ruined by Rachel Hanna
35. Power Tools Series by Jayne Rylon
36. Noctalis Chronicles by Chelsea M. Cameron
37. Bad Rep by A Meredith Walters
38. Full Count by C A Williams
39. Rocked Under by Cora Hawkes
40. Xtreme Adventures Series by Vivian Arend
41. The Saving Angel Series by Tiffany King
42. The Wager by Rachel Van Dyken
43. With Me in Seattle Series by Kristen Proby
44. Dark Secrets Series by A M Hudson
45. The Empire Chronicles book 1: Soar by Alyssa Rose Ivy
46. Allegiant by Veronica Roth
47. Sweet Surrendering by Chelsea M Cameron
48. The Famished Trilogy by Annie Walls
49. The Single Lady Spy Series by Tara Brown
50. Club Sin Series by Stacey Kennedy
51. Morganville's Vampires Series by Rachel Caine
52. Surrender Series by Melody Anne
53. Reign of Ice L P Dover
54. The Dweller Series by David Estes
55. The Country Saga by David Estes
56. Shadow Falls Series by C C Hunter
57. The Longest Ride by Nicholas Sparks
58. First Kiss by Tara Brown
59. The Uglies Trilogy by Scott Westerfeld
60. Long After by Cheryl Mcintyre
61. Up In Flames by Nicole Williams
62. Mackenzie Family Series by Lilian Hart (only part way completed)
63. Bounds of Passion by Lucia Jordan
64. She's Gotta Be Mine by Jenifer Skully
65. House of Renwick Series by Rachel Van Dyken
66. Sink or Swim by Jamie Canosa
67. Hollywood Heat by Keely Eve
68. Madly Series by M Leighton
69. Friends with Partial Benefits by Luke Young
70. Thompson Sisters Series by Charles Sheehan ( Still haven't read the last one)
71. Taste of Darkness by MAria V Snyder
72. Ivan by Roxie Rivera
73. Beautiful Obivion by Addison Moore
74. Shaken Not Stirred by Alyssa Rose Ivy
75. Love Lies and Deception by L P Dover
76. Blood Like Posion Series by M Leighton (still in progress)
77. The PA's Revenge by Diana Fraser
78. Falling Kingdoms by Rhodes
79. Sexy Series by Dani Lovell

Thats all of the books more or less on my kindle that I've read. Clearly there are to many to review right now. If you would like a review on a specific series or book let me know and I will gladly give it.

So although my posting on this blog may be lacking, my book reading has still been going strong and so has my writing. I took a creative writing class this fall semester and got an A. It was one of my favorite classes because I think making myself sit down and actually write is the hardest part. Once I sit down and get an idea in my head I tend to take off. And writing actually makes me feel better its another way to deal with life. I use reading to escape but I think I use writing to cope. Writing things out sometimes helps me see things from a different perspective. I don't know maybe its silly but it helps me deal heres a short clip about anxiety:

You’re sitting outside on the trunk of your beat up car. The car, that always breaks no matter how many times you service it a year. You curse the car to hell and look up at the stars. The reason you came out here was because you just needed to escape before you broke down in front of all those people. You feel like you can’t breathe, yet every time you take a deep breath in and then let it out, you have no trouble. Yet, still, you have that sense that you cannot get enough oxygen into your lungs.  You can feel your heart pounding inside your chest. You feel nauseous and you can feel the goose bumps starting at your toes and quickly making their way up your spine. Your vision starts to blur on the sides and you get that tension headache that throbs right behind your eyes. You swear that it can’t just all be in your head, there has to be something wrong with you. You must have some incurable disease or a brain tumor that’s inoperable.  You look down at your blue jeans and focus on the stitching while you take a deep breath to try and calm yourself. Next, your check your pulse, on both wrist for good measure and then on your neck, just to make sure you’re not having some sort of stroke and to make sure your blood is still flowing through your veins.  You ask yourself “What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I have these attacks? Is it really all in my head?” “No it can’t be”, you tell yourself. You know you can’t be crazy because of your skin. You don’t know if its hives, shingles, eczema or what. You mind is moving so fast. It keeps telling you a hundred diagnoses a minute. When did you get like this? When did you become afraid of life? Anxiety is a scary thing. Is it your fault? Is there something you do that sets it off? Or are you just crazy? Well let’s be honest you are crazy, but you meant a different kind of crazy.

Eh just something I wrote for homework for class. Anyways the Patriots are playing in the playoffs right now so I think I'm going to go enjoy the game. I just wanted to post something new since its been months. I apologize to my fans out there. (which probably consist of my 1 friends, who is to busy to actually read this consistently so she prob didn't even notice I stopped posting). Sigh.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Miss You.

So, I know I haven't written in a long time. BUT. Its because work and school have been occupying my time. I have kept reading and I have also started writing more because of my creative writing class. I will post a list soon of all the books I've read the last two months. Its honest probably like 40 something books. YES. I know I have a problem. Anyways, If your really into what I read, go look me up on GoodReads, I tend to keep my currently read books more updated on there than I do on here. Anyways I thought maybe I'd post something I wrote for my creative writing class. I've been missing my two grandparents that both passed away earlier this year so when I got this assignment I chose to write about when I found out my Grandpa had terminal cancer. I'm pretty proud of this piece and its completely original.  All Feedback if Welcome.

Try This 6.5 page 180
Recall an experience that changed you. Write about it with one of the traditional openings of a story…
-Once upon a time
-Long ago and far away
-In the beginning
-Let me tell you a story
-It all began

            In the beginning there was fear. A fear so strong it paralyzed me. I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, and couldn’t cry. I couldn’t even form coherent thoughts because of the terror that consumed me. I was taking completely off guard. One minute I was cheering on the Bruins at a playoff game, the next minute I got that phone call, and everything froze.  The other emotions in me were frozen, and only fear was present. I felt a cold sweat quickly making its way up my back and goose bumps spreading up and down my arms. This was far worse than being punched in the gut or having the wind knocked out of you, this was like someone was taking away your air indefinitely and you being to shocked to even try to stop them. I knew the crowd around me was yelling, I saw people shouting and cheering, yet to me all I heard was silence. It was like everything around me stopped, even my vision was blurring around the edges. Someone walking in the row behind me sloshed beer onto my head and it forcefully snapped me back into reality. My hands were shaken and I struggled to control my breathing. I managed to glance up at the jumbo screen and notice there was four minutes left in the period. Four. I used to like the number four, but now I despise it. Four. Stage four.
In the beginning there was anger. Stage four cancer! How could this have happened? I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, at god, at my dad, at the doctors, at anyone who crossed my path. My dad had called and given me that death sentence over the god damn telephone! Rage, wasn’t a strong enough word for how I was feeling. I wanted to hit someone and cause them harm. News like that shouldn’t be delivered while at a sporting event or over the phone. My hands clenched into fist, I could feel my blood starting to boil. How could doctors have missed that? Do people really go from being in tip top shape one day and the next day having stage four cancer? I wanted to tear everything apart because in my heart I knew the answer was NO. The doctors had to have messed up. I wanted people to hurt, I wanted people to suffer. Why does God make good people suffer? I wanted to fly into the sky and give him a piece of my mind. I wanted to turn my back on everything I believed in and continue down a war path of rage and destruction. I was so angry I didn’t even realize I was being towed along, back to my car in the parking garage. I knew I was to mad to drive, but I was the  damn designated driver. That new realization enraged me even more, after news like that I needed a drink, a very strong drink. But no! I had to be the flipping good guy! I had to open my damn big mouth and volunteer to drive! So I got into the car. I knew I hadn’t said a word to my two friends since I answered that phone call, and I knew they were worried, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything out loud. Saying it out loud made it too real.
In the beginning there was denial. If I didn’t tell them, if I didn’t say it out loud maybe it would go away. I remember thinking: “Maybe this isn’t even real, that’s got to be it, I had to be dreaming. Or better yet, the doctors got it wrong. Test results got messed up all the time, right? False positive, or whatever all that means. This all has got to just be a big awful mistake”. I realized I was merging onto the freeway and manage to shift my attention to my driving for the next thirty minutes. For the next thirty minutes I turned on my radio so loud, you would have thought your ear drums were going to burst. I needed to focus my thoughts onto something else, because if I could ignore them, the whole thing would go away. I just wanted to forget everything. As I was pulling into my driveway a song came on the radio about cancer. It brought everything that I had been forcing down, right back up to the surface. “There’s got to be something we can do right? We can fight it, right”? That was what I kept telling myself.
In the beginning there was hope. I remember hoping for a miracle. Those things happen sometimes, why not for my grandpa. I hoped for a drug, for a procedure, for a cure. I hoped for him to not be afraid. I hoped he wouldn’t be in pain. As the months went by I hoped he had made peace. I hoped he had time. I remember hoping the treatments would help. I remember hoping he wouldn’t be in pain when they didn’t. I hoped he would have more quality to his remaining life than quantity. I hoped I would be strong enough to help him through this. I hoped I would be able to hold things together for my nana, his wife of over fifty years. I hoped that she would be able to live through this and be okay.  After a few months I hoped I would make it there in time. I flew on a plane to Florida to hold his hand until the end came. When I saw him when I first arrived, I hoped that he had a good life. I hoped that he was proud of the person I had become. I hoped he would recognize me and know who I was. By some small miracle, he said my name, and I rushed over to give him a hug and a kiss. I remember hoping that I wouldn’t cry in front of him. I hoped that when he did pass, that our deceased family members would be there to greet him, especially his son Chris. The hope that he would see Chris again, gave me a feeling that maybe things would be okay again, one day. I looked at my grandpa in his bed, he had fallen asleep from being so tired, and I was grateful because the first tear started to leak out and I knew there was no stopping what was coming.
In the end there was heartache. I walked out of his room, and out back onto the patio. I walked as far as the screen would let me and sat down on the concrete ground and cried. I felt my heart swell up and crack into a million tiny bits. I didn’t have the energy or the will to try and be quiet, or to hide my grief. I had tried to be strong and hold it in for too long and now the dam was cracked and everything was spilling out. I felt cold, even though the Florida air was humid. I felt alone, I felt helpless, and I felt broken. There were so many things I was supposed to do with him that now would never happen. He was supposed to be at my wedding, we were supposed to take a trip to all the WWII sites. My grandpa, the one who photographed my whole childhood would be gone. I cried over the loss of being robbed of all that. I cried over things that I knew would never happen. I thought of my childhood and cried about how great of a person he was. I thought about all the things he had done for people over the years. I thought of how many people admired and cared about him. He showed up to every single soccer game, without me even telling him I was playing, how did he do it? He always knew. Even when I was older, he still showed up and continued to support me. All of these memories and realizations made me cry even harder. I knew I had his unconditional love, no matter what I did, and that brought a whole new feeling of misery.
In the end there was regret. Every time I thought I was all cried out, I would think of something else and start all over again. All the things I wished I had done better invaded my mind. I wished I spent more time with him. I wished I came that Christmas they invited me. I wished I learned to play golf like he wanted. I wished I called him more. I would have traded anything in that moment to go back and do the things I knew he wanted. I knew, none of it mattered to him, but knowing that he would be gone and I could never fix my mistakes, left me feeling like a failure. I wanted so badly for him to see me succeed, like he always wanted me to. I knew he wouldn’t want me to act like this, and that realization allowed me to calm down enough to stop the tears. I slowly picked myself up and tried to pull myself together for my grandpa.
In the end there was booze. Over the next three weeks I tried to be strong enough for my nana, dad, and myself. I watched one of my favorite people slowly deteriorate into nothing. I sat in anguish and watched him get worse by the hour. Those three weeks were the longest yet, of my existence. We tried to make a rotation so he was never alone, but it took its toll on all three of us mentally. So we drank. I am not condoning our behavior, but sometimes when the sorrow got to be too strong, it was needed. We needed something to help us hold ourselves together and then allow us to fall apart. The booze helped us feel those emotions that we were trying to suppress. The booze helped us get things out. It wasn’t much but we grasped at it. On a bad day my nana and I would sit and split a bottle of wine, but those two glasses helped more than anyone could ever know.
In the end there was acceptance. In his last days I found myself wishing that he would pass quickly and peacefully. It was at the point, where he was comatose and I knew that the grandpa I knew and loved was already gone. I knew he was better off in heaven. He was so tired of trying to fight and I think he only fought so hard because of us. I didn’t want him in pain anymore. I didn’t want him to worry about us. I wanted what was best for him, despite my own personal feelings for him to stay. I accepted that I couldn’t go back in time and change anything. I accepted that he loved me and that I would always love him. I knew he would never be coming back. I accepted that I can’t control everything. I accepted that we shouldn’t take things or people for granted. I accepted that I had to say goodbye. Events like that make you realize how quickly things can change. I accepted that at any moment everything could come crashing down. I accepted that I should live my life to the fullest each and every day because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. I know now that time sometimes is limited. When I finally allowed myself to come to these conclusions I felt better. I was able to say goodbye to my grandpa and not feel like I was going to die. I wanted to make the most of my life, for him. I allowed myself to mourn at his wake and funeral, but after that I wanted to make him proud. In the beginning I thought my world was going to end, but at the end I knew it had really just begun.

Yeah so that's all for now. Gotta go do MORE homework. Joy.